Final Fantasy: The Actors Within...
by ntrophi
Summary: A group of the FF characters go to the movies and see the trailer for The Spirits Within. And they get stressed. PG-13 for much character bashing (Locke fans, look out). Reviews appreciated


Author note: This was inspired by one of the beautiful Final Fantasy movie trailers. I wondered how existing Final Fantasy characters would react to a movie that didn't include them. And here it is!! This is partially to counteract the serious writing I've been doing recently. Too much seriousness is not good for me.  
Anyhoo. I don't own (in order of appearance) Sephiroth, Kefka, Tifa, Quistis, Terra, Freya, Celes, Locke, Squall, Rinoa, Egdar, Sabin, Ultros, Palmer, NORG, Biggs, Wedge (any incarnation of them) or Cait Sith. Half of them I don't even want to own. Although Keffy and Sephy can come work for me if they want *evil grin*  
I also don't own Ming Na, or James Woods. *sigh* I don't own anything. Damn... Except this fan fic. HAH!  
Hmm...  
Oh well. Enjoy and review, pleasey? I'd appreciate it, and I'll give you a cookie. Aren't I kind?  
  
  
  
It was dark. It was creepy. There was an excellent supply of popcorn.  
  
Sephiroth let out a sigh of contentment and stretched out, resting his legs on the seat before him. Unfortunately, there was someone sat there, and they weren't too happy about having Sephiroth's boots resting on their head.  
'Remove your legs, pinhead, before I remove them for you,' a voice hissed from the seat in front of him. Sephiroth patted Masamune and snorted.  
'What you gonna do about it, shorty?' he said, purposefully kicking the guy's feather off the top of his head.  
  
Two seconds later, Sephiroth was sat in a very dazed, confused and crispy state. Kefka cackled, turning back to face forwards, blowing the stream of smoke off his finger.  
'Are we ready to watch the movie?' he asked the empty seat beside him. Tilting his head, as if he could hear someone, he nodded eagerly.  
'Oh yeah. Dontcha just looove him in Friends?'  
  
  
In another part of the cinema, Tifa, Quistis, Terra and Freya were sat, arguing about who had ordered the triple, double chunky choc chip ice cream with chocolate sprinkles. Freya eventually managed to tip the argument in her direction by grabbing the small tub with her tail and spitting into it before anyone could react.  
'Ew!' Terra said, settling back and folding her arms across her chest. 'I see why they call you rat-woman...' Freya ignored her and made a big thing out of enjoying the ice cream.  
'Mmm... So chocolatey. Just the thing I need after being rejected by the hero...' The other three women scowled.  
'Shut UP, Freya!'  
  
  
At the back, things were a lot less argumentative. Celes and Locke, and Squall and Rinoa were sat; each couple about five seats away from the other.  
'I hear this movie sucks...' Squall said sulkily. He hated wasting his time at these stupid chick-flicks. He would rather be out killing things, or just moping around and perfecting his James Dean impression. Rinoa smirked, running a finger along his chin.  
'That's why I brought you to see it,' she said with a sultry grin on her face. Squall looked at her with a puzzled frown.  
'What?! Why'd you bring me to see a crummy movie?!' Rinoa sweatdropped.  
'Uhm... So we can... y'know...' she said, running her finger down his chest in a loved-up kinda way. Squall didn't translate the gesture, folded his arms across his chest and scowled fiercely.  
'Stupid woman... Making me see crappy movie...' he grumbled, reverting back to the sulky idiot we all know and love. Rinoa continued to smile for a few seconds more, before slumping back in her own seat.  
'Stupid... sulky... I shoulda agreed to see this with Seifer...'  
  
  
Meanwhile, Celes and Locke were getting on nicely. If you know what I mean. If you don't, then ask your mother to explain. Coming up for air, Celes frowned slightly; noticing something on Locke's shirt. Untangling herself from the thief...  
'I heard that, damned author! It's TREASURE HUNTER!!' Locke cried, shaking a fist at the author. Eesh. You can't find the final fantasy characters to work with these days, can you?  
  
Anyhoo. Back to the story.  
  
Untangling herself from the treasure hunter, Celes raised an eyebrow, peeling the single hair off Locke's shoulder. She held it up to the light, examining it as Locke waited expectantly for another kiss.  
'Uhh... Sweety?' he said, finally opening one eye to see her staring at him, holding the hair up.  
'What's this?' she demanded; toe tapping on the floor. Locke frowned. It was a piece of blonde hair, about the length of Cele's hair.  
'It's a piece of hair, hun,' he said, opening his arms and making a kissy face. Celes' scowl deepened.  
'Whose hair?' she said, pushing him away. Locke paused, frowning again.  
'Uhh... Yours?' he asked hopefully. Celes shook her head and pulled out her "Little Miss Forensic Scientist" kit that Cid had given her for her birthday. Analysing the hair, she gasped.  
'This is from a man!!' Locke turned a funny shade of purple and hoped to god that she wouldn't find out who.  
'Uh, I musta picked it up when I was playing baseball with Edgar,' he said, coughing nervously. 'Nothing serious...' Celes continued to analyse the sample; her gasp growing.  
'It doesn't match Edgar's DNA,' she exclaimed. Locke frowned.  
'You have Edgar's DNA?!' he asked, wondering what vital codes she had on him. 'So, maybe it's Sabin's...' Celes rolled her eyes at him.  
'Twins, you idiot. Same DNA,' Locke swallowed, eyes widening.  
'Oh yeah...' he mumbled, slowly edging away as Celes began the final stage of identification.  
  
  
The scream was heard all over the city as Celes discovered just which makeup-wearing, clown wannabe her husband had been making out with. Another scream was heard a millisecond later as she kicked Locke in the balls harder than any man hath been kicked there before. Ouch. Poor Locke (Serve him right for arguing with me)  
'I hate... you...' Locke winced, crawling out of the theatre after Celes. 'Damned... author...'  
Hah.  
  
  
The clamour died down as the lights faded. Well, the clamour almost died down as Ultros, Palmer and NORG all jogged in, and seperated. Ultros sat all on his own on the left hand side of the theatre, taking up twelve more seats than he should have done, and crushing Biggs and Wedge, who were innocently sat right where the octopus decided to park his butt.  
  
  
NORG went to the right side, sitting right in front of the gang of girls. Tifa tapped him on the shoulder.  
'Move it, bucko,' she demanded. NORG giggled.  
'BU-SHU-RU-RU-RUUU! MY SEAT! THAT IDIOT CID WILL NOT REMOVE MY SEAT FROM ME! BUUU-SHU-RU...' He trailed off as the four girls scowled, tapping their respective weapons against his seat. NORG sweatdropped.  
'I UH... BU-SHU-RU-RU... I HATE YOU-SHU-RU...' And with that, he stood up, and sat down in another seat. Three rows closer to the front.  
Last thing NORG heard was the shrill shriek of four angry girls converging on him. A Shockwave Pulsarified, esper-induced, Jumping, Final Heaven sent him flying out of the roof. The girls smiled sweetly at each other and went back to their seats.  
  
  
Palmer had to think for ten minutes before choosing his seat. And out of all the seats he could have picked, he chose the one RIGHT next to Kefka. There were like, a hundred empty seats, and he had to pick the one next to the scary looking guy dressed like a clown. What an IDIOT!!  
'So, how do you like this theatre?' Kefka was saying to the empty seat as Palmer bumbled towards him. Tilting his head again, he laughed.  
'Hah. Yeah, that's true. Stupid stewards...' He trailed off as Palmer sat in the empty seat, squishing the air that the voices in Kefka's head was refering to as his "new friend". Kefka screamed in anguish, sprouting wings.  
'Down in front!' Sephiroth yelled as he got a faceful of wing. Kefka turned to him; eyes burning, flames shooting from his hands and general apocalyptic type stuff going on. Cool.  
'Do NOT start with me, idiot!' he growled, picking Palmer up and punting him out of the building.  
'Waaaaaaaagh!' the fool cried as he sailed out of the hole conveniently left by NORG's exit. Kefka dusted his hands off and sat down again, keeping the wings unfurled. Sephiroth growled.  
'Get those wings outta my face!' Kefka smirked.  
'Make me, silver-top,'  
  
  
Squall and Rinoa were trying to ignore the two fighting villains in front of them as the trailers started up. Nothing special really. A rom-com trailer, followed by some action-flick pretending to be Die Hard. Clamour started up again as the four girls started arguing over a bag of Doritos, Ultros found the mess on his butt, Kefka pulled Sephiroth's nose and the air space beside Kefka recovered after being squished.  
'GET THOSE WINGS OUT OF MY WAY!'  
'Gimme a damned Dorito!'  
'Make me, pinhead,'  
'Where's the dipping salsaaa?'  
'Ew! Rat-woman spat in it!'  
  
  
The clamour grew, and grew until a single solitary voice rang out above them all. A voice that sounded strangely like Ming Na.  
'The dream is always the same...' the Ming Na-esque voice said. Everyone frowned and turned towards the screen. Monsters... Beautiful women... Destroyed landscapes...  
'HEY!' Kefka yelled, pointing to the screen. 'They made a Final Fantasy movie...!' Everyone gasped.  
'WITHOUT ANY OF US!!' Tifa yelled in horror. This was a cue for a huge uproar, with every character pausing mid-argument and pulling out their cell-phones to ring their agents.  
'You said you were gonna get me into that movie!!' Kefka was whining as Sephiroth threw his phone to the ground and stamped on it.  
'That's IT! I'm changing my agent. Cue eight more disgruntled Final Fantasy characters throwing their phones to the ground and agreeing. Loudly.  
'STRIIIIIIKE!' Ultros yelled, waving four tentacles in the air. Everyone rolled their eyes.  
'They don't need us, fool! We've already done our thing!' Freya yelled back. Ultros sweat-dropped.  
'Oh yeah...' he mumbled.  
'Ya gotta admit though...' Squall said, thoughtfully. 'It does look pretty good...' The rest of the characters watched the rest of the trailer and nodded.  
'Yeah... I hear James Woods is voicing a General with a hero complex...' Sephiroth mused.  
'And the monster/alien thingys DO look pretty scary...' Quistis continued.  
'Maybe we won't strike...' Ultros murmured.  
'I think we'll go and see it, hey, hun?' Kefka said to the empty seat.  
'But they still shoulda let one of us in it...' Rinoa said. 'I mean... Why didn't they even ask us?'  
  
  
A YEAR EARLIER...  
  
Cait Sith coughed nervously, practicing his lines. He was the first Final Fantasy character to audition for the new movie. If he did well, then others would be enlisted.  
'The dream is always the sauce...' he said, trying to be emotional and stuff. Across from him, the director buried his head in his hands.  
'We're going to have to be original on this one, boys,' he muttered.  



End file.
